Halfway point

My life as a mother began at age twenty-five. So for half of my life I have been a mom. Whoever said that Terrible Twos was the hardest- lied. LOL. Yes, it is filled with challenges, but, trust me, the other years have plenty more to go around. I think, honestly, that some of my most difficult years as a mother occurred after mine turned eighteen.

I used to think that my first twenty-five years were so awful..hahaha. Oh, so naive. You realize that getting up and going to school, or playing outside, doing chores, maybe working a bit, etc., was much, much easier than being an adult. LOL..and yet...back then, we thought we were so grown (well in our teen years that is). The joke was on us.

I have had so many heartaches as a wife, mother, friend, but motherhood has been some of the most painful of times. You hate to see your children sick, hurt, fail, heartbroken, etc. You raise them to know right from wrong, spend endless hours worrying and praying for, and over, them. Then at some point you realize that you have absolutely no control over anything anymore and you just sit back helplessly when they make choices that totally go against what you ever taught them, or dreamed. Trust me, it is not easy at all. Yes, throwing in the towel sounds like an easy choice- but it isn't. You continue to hope.

I think of a relative who had to watch her son struggle with life - so many unspoken heartaches I am certain she had to endure. His death, senseless as it was, no doubt continues to plague her. I am sure she has spent many a sleepless night wondering what she was doing wrong, what she did wrong, and how she would live another day without him in her life. We may not have much in common, but as a mom, I can feel her pain.

I think of Madison, and future grandchildren, and wonder what her mother and father, and her uncle's children (should he ever reach that milestone of life) will have to endure. I pray they will at least spare my children of some of the same hurts, but I also pray that they give them some of the joy we experienced as well. It is definitely a mixed bag.

The past 7 years have really tested me, and there have been times I have failed miserably in some ways. However, in others I have stood tall, dealt with the offenses at hand, and moved on. At this point I am just praying we are on the downside of life- altering events, but I guess it remains to be seen. The Lord, so far, has at least spared us having both children having an event at the same time, so far.  Kids have no idea, really, how many hours you spent praying for them, crying over them, or worrying about them. They seem to resent, at a certain point, that you even do. But...I say most parents will admit, if they love their children, to never quitting any of the previously mentioned acts of love.

I can only imagine what my children will go through, and pray I will have some wisdom to impart, and that they will be receptive to it when it is needed. It is a marvel how much smarter your parents seem the older you get. You begin to realize the sacrifices they made, or continue to make, for you. You realize that most 'good parents' really do only want the best for you. You do hear some of their advice coming back to haunt you, or aiding you in a particular situation. Why must we spend so much time being stubborn and not listening, sparing ourselves?

Sometimes I think about our Father God and how frustrated He must be with his children. We are so unruly, unheeding, obstinate, yet He continues to forgive us. Yes, He allows us to stumble, and some even fall, but that He continues to tolerate us is a marvel to me. I used to wonder what kept Him from just wiping us all out and starting over. Then...I became a parent...and I understand..a bit. He continues to have hope in us. Amazing. Simply amazing.

 So, here I go into my 50s and there are days I feel like I have no idea what I am doing. They say grandchildren are fabulous and there is a saying of "if I had known how much fun they would be, I would have had them first." Well, guess I will see. I suppose the lack of real responsibility for them must be one key factor in the fun factor of having them. I have no idea.

I hope that this year I will focus on taking care of me (yes..like most mothers I put myself on the back burner), getting in better shape, and enjoying my role as a grandmother. Should be interesting. Now, if I could just turn off my Mama-dar, that would be great. It is like an alarm going off and you can't find the off button. So...I will continue to pray, and though His word tells us not to...worry. Can't seem to let that one go, yet. :)