Message to the reader: I often write a draft and sit on it a while to discern whether I should post, or if the post is too personal. Then again, a blog is, in its base form, is mostly a personal thing, is it not? So having made this disclaimer- this post is one that was written in the wee hours of the morning on a particularly stressful night in the life of parenting. Take no offense, for none was meant. Just a heartfelt moment in time. Thanks.
Tonight..well, technically it is 4 in the morning and I sit here with tears in my eyes as I have many nights in the past years. Worrying about a child is a painful, lonely thing. Especially once they are no longer really a child. But an adult floundering through life, claiming to not need you, but hating to admit that they, in actuality, just might. The hard part is trying to discern when to just cut bait and let them flounder completely.
Having children is a long term commitment. It just simply doesn't end at 18 when they think they are grown and are somewhere between hating you immensely and still needing you, though admitting it is almost a sin in their eyes.
I wish it were as easy as it was when I used to worry if they were breathing in their cribs at night, or if their teeth would come in crooked, or if they would be bullied by someone at school. Or the nights I sat up while they were sick or wracked with fever. Or the nights in the hospital when one was very ill and I sat vigil until we were sent home. Or the nights they came in just a bit past curfew. Trust me, those are a cake walk in comparison to all the worrying you do once they begin to spread their wings and go out into the world you spent so long protecting them from. Maybe we protected them too much. But this world is an ugly place and it is not easy to navigate at times.
There are just some things you can't protect them from....and it is heartbreaking. Especially if they take an "I don't need you or anybody else" attitude about things in life. It is also very hurtful to even dare to think they might actually mean it when they spout hateful things at you - as if it is their goal to see just how hurtful they can be towards you. Even harder to watch your children continue to go through life seemingly on a mission to see just how much they can pile on you before you break.
So I sit here with tears in my eyes because I am at a loss...I have tried the protective route, the chastisement, the advice, the ignoring the pink elephant, the being there in crisis route, and fight everything in me to not just throw in the towel and say I am done with it all. My heart sometimes is so overwhelmed with anguish that I feel I can barely breathe.
So, Madison...when you reach that phase in your life, and you will, I wish there were a way for you to truly comprehend how much your parents care for and cherish you, and for you to realize that, even if you do believe yourself to be grown, they will never stop being your parents, and that the things you do in life do affect others, especially them. Sometimes more than you will ever know.
I hope that as your grandmother I will never have to sit and cry at night (or day, even) over you and what is going on in your life. But you can rest assured that your mother and father will. No doubt. I hope that they will weather the storms and pray a lot. Sometimes prayer is the only saving grace.
Now, as I try, yet again, to get some sleep, I will try to dismiss the hurt and sadness, and have turned it over to the one who can deliver sleep and peace. This most definitely won't be my last night with little or no sleep, but until then, I will continue to pray and ask His protection over my children, and for His wisdom to engulf them.
I have spent half of my life, at this point, worrying about my children. Doesn't look as if I will be catching a break any time soon, either, and now I will have another little one to worry about as well. Maybe in a different way, but I shall worry nonetheless.
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