Well, little Miss Madison,
I am awake at the wee hours of the morning, yet again. Only the second, or third, time this week. <sigh> As I found myself fully awake, I decided to tinker with the blogging process. Just so you know- I am still a work in progress in regard to learning how to do the blog. I think one day I shall ask a friend how to manipulate the photos so I will have them with the appropriate blog post, but for now, they are sort of just lined up. Oh, well....in due time, and if not, it won't be the end of the world.
I also found myself realizing that you will make your arrival in ONE MONTH- more or less, as of today. Hard to believe that! Your mommy and daddy, and big sister, had some beautiful photographs done this past weekend. Your mommy got them back yesterday, and I can hardly wait to see them all. I have seen a few, and they were so cute. No doubt there will additions of them to this blog once your mommy posts them on her computer.
Your sister is too funny. She can't quite figure out how you are going to get out of Mommy 'Achel', but she is quite concerned that all your moving about is going to "break Mommy 'Achel." HAHAHA. No doubt she will have an adjustment period once you arrive, but I hope she will love you immensely once the inital adjustment of not being 'the only one' wears off. Sibling rivalry can be an ugly critter. :) So..hopefully you both will bond in a wonderful way and be best friends for life.
Your mommy refers to herself (and your daddy dubbed her this as well) Nesty McNesterson. She has been busy, busy, busy cleaning, rearranging, organizing, etc., in preparation of your arrival. She has been cracking down on what needs to be finished in the home before your arrival, or at least what can be accomplished shortly thereafter. She is definitely on a mission to get her little nest ready for her little birdie.
She has another baby shower this weekend, and your "Auntie Jessica" and "Auntie Carlie" will be coming back to the house after the shower to help your mommy further organize and rearrange your nursery with all of your new goodies. Then for the last shower, she will have to deal with all of that (though it should be not nearly as much) on her own. But- she can handle it, don't you worry.
Of course, it is necessary for her to do all of this prepartion now since school starts back just before your impending arrival date. (Of course should you decide to make about a one week early appearance, that would be fine as well) But it is also part of the natural tendency for a mother to nest. I just hope she can get it all done in time, and, though you are to arrive pretty quickly after school starts back, that she can handle all the balls she will be juggling. I believe it can be done. So we are counting on you to be very cooperative so that mommy can focus on her schoolwork when need be. It is important for your future for her to finish school.
As these next few weeks, and two baby showers later, progress, I can't help but ponder what you might look like. The ultrasound hints at similar features of your sister, but I can see a bit of your mommy there as well. Either way, you will be lovely, I think. Your mommy, in my very biased opinion, blossomed into a very pretty young woman, and, your daddy, (as your mommy says) 'is easy on the eyes' (hahaha). That sister of yours is a cutie patootie, as well. So, I am thinking that as long as you don't take after your grandma, you are going to be just fine. HAHAHA.
Honestly, Little Miss, as long as you have ten fingers, ten toes, and are healthy, I don't worry too much about your appearance. Beauty is fleeting, in time, and can be a vain thing as well. I would much rather you have a \ a caring, compassionate soul, a kind heart, and a heart for God. Those things will carry you much further in the long haul than your outward beauty.
Well, guess I shall try to get some sleep, though I fear it will be futile, as I am not feeling very sleepy at this point. Good night, my little ladybug. G-Mama loves you already. :)
Friday, July 29, 2011
heartaches of parentling .....
Message to the reader: I often write a draft and sit on it a while to discern whether I should post, or if the post is too personal. Then again, a blog is, in its base form, is mostly a personal thing, is it not? So having made this disclaimer- this post is one that was written in the wee hours of the morning on a particularly stressful night in the life of parenting. Take no offense, for none was meant. Just a heartfelt moment in time. Thanks.
Tonight..well, technically it is 4 in the morning and I sit here with tears in my eyes as I have many nights in the past years. Worrying about a child is a painful, lonely thing. Especially once they are no longer really a child. But an adult floundering through life, claiming to not need you, but hating to admit that they, in actuality, just might. The hard part is trying to discern when to just cut bait and let them flounder completely.
Having children is a long term commitment. It just simply doesn't end at 18 when they think they are grown and are somewhere between hating you immensely and still needing you, though admitting it is almost a sin in their eyes.
I wish it were as easy as it was when I used to worry if they were breathing in their cribs at night, or if their teeth would come in crooked, or if they would be bullied by someone at school. Or the nights I sat up while they were sick or wracked with fever. Or the nights in the hospital when one was very ill and I sat vigil until we were sent home. Or the nights they came in just a bit past curfew. Trust me, those are a cake walk in comparison to all the worrying you do once they begin to spread their wings and go out into the world you spent so long protecting them from. Maybe we protected them too much. But this world is an ugly place and it is not easy to navigate at times.
There are just some things you can't protect them from....and it is heartbreaking. Especially if they take an "I don't need you or anybody else" attitude about things in life. It is also very hurtful to even dare to think they might actually mean it when they spout hateful things at you - as if it is their goal to see just how hurtful they can be towards you. Even harder to watch your children continue to go through life seemingly on a mission to see just how much they can pile on you before you break.
So I sit here with tears in my eyes because I am at a loss...I have tried the protective route, the chastisement, the advice, the ignoring the pink elephant, the being there in crisis route, and fight everything in me to not just throw in the towel and say I am done with it all. My heart sometimes is so overwhelmed with anguish that I feel I can barely breathe.
So, Madison...when you reach that phase in your life, and you will, I wish there were a way for you to truly comprehend how much your parents care for and cherish you, and for you to realize that, even if you do believe yourself to be grown, they will never stop being your parents, and that the things you do in life do affect others, especially them. Sometimes more than you will ever know.
I hope that as your grandmother I will never have to sit and cry at night (or day, even) over you and what is going on in your life. But you can rest assured that your mother and father will. No doubt. I hope that they will weather the storms and pray a lot. Sometimes prayer is the only saving grace.
Now, as I try, yet again, to get some sleep, I will try to dismiss the hurt and sadness, and have turned it over to the one who can deliver sleep and peace. This most definitely won't be my last night with little or no sleep, but until then, I will continue to pray and ask His protection over my children, and for His wisdom to engulf them.
I have spent half of my life, at this point, worrying about my children. Doesn't look as if I will be catching a break any time soon, either, and now I will have another little one to worry about as well. Maybe in a different way, but I shall worry nonetheless.
Tonight..well, technically it is 4 in the morning and I sit here with tears in my eyes as I have many nights in the past years. Worrying about a child is a painful, lonely thing. Especially once they are no longer really a child. But an adult floundering through life, claiming to not need you, but hating to admit that they, in actuality, just might. The hard part is trying to discern when to just cut bait and let them flounder completely.
Having children is a long term commitment. It just simply doesn't end at 18 when they think they are grown and are somewhere between hating you immensely and still needing you, though admitting it is almost a sin in their eyes.
I wish it were as easy as it was when I used to worry if they were breathing in their cribs at night, or if their teeth would come in crooked, or if they would be bullied by someone at school. Or the nights I sat up while they were sick or wracked with fever. Or the nights in the hospital when one was very ill and I sat vigil until we were sent home. Or the nights they came in just a bit past curfew. Trust me, those are a cake walk in comparison to all the worrying you do once they begin to spread their wings and go out into the world you spent so long protecting them from. Maybe we protected them too much. But this world is an ugly place and it is not easy to navigate at times.
There are just some things you can't protect them from....and it is heartbreaking. Especially if they take an "I don't need you or anybody else" attitude about things in life. It is also very hurtful to even dare to think they might actually mean it when they spout hateful things at you - as if it is their goal to see just how hurtful they can be towards you. Even harder to watch your children continue to go through life seemingly on a mission to see just how much they can pile on you before you break.
So I sit here with tears in my eyes because I am at a loss...I have tried the protective route, the chastisement, the advice, the ignoring the pink elephant, the being there in crisis route, and fight everything in me to not just throw in the towel and say I am done with it all. My heart sometimes is so overwhelmed with anguish that I feel I can barely breathe.
So, Madison...when you reach that phase in your life, and you will, I wish there were a way for you to truly comprehend how much your parents care for and cherish you, and for you to realize that, even if you do believe yourself to be grown, they will never stop being your parents, and that the things you do in life do affect others, especially them. Sometimes more than you will ever know.
I hope that as your grandmother I will never have to sit and cry at night (or day, even) over you and what is going on in your life. But you can rest assured that your mother and father will. No doubt. I hope that they will weather the storms and pray a lot. Sometimes prayer is the only saving grace.
Now, as I try, yet again, to get some sleep, I will try to dismiss the hurt and sadness, and have turned it over to the one who can deliver sleep and peace. This most definitely won't be my last night with little or no sleep, but until then, I will continue to pray and ask His protection over my children, and for His wisdom to engulf them.
I have spent half of my life, at this point, worrying about my children. Doesn't look as if I will be catching a break any time soon, either, and now I will have another little one to worry about as well. Maybe in a different way, but I shall worry nonetheless.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Busy vs. lazy..lol
Well, Madison- your grandma may appear to be quite lazy at times- but generally it is more in relationship to the healthy body issues. I do, however, in spite of appearances, enjoy staying busy. I have found that to be a struggle for many years now and I really feel out of sorts when I have little to do (or want to do). There was a time I was constantly doing something, and was one of those people who, the more I had to do, the better. They say if you want to accomplish something to assign a busy person to do it, because they will somehow work it out, whereas a person who is not terribly busy, will probably procrastinate and possibly not get it done, or do it poorly.
I used to read a great deal, but failing eyesight has begun to rear its ugly head and I tend to not do as much, as your great grandmother and grandfather do, any more these days. Also the computer is very hard on your eyes, by the way. :) I do enjoy the computer and often it is a huge time killer for me when I can't find other things I need/want to do.
Though I dislike clutter, I am not a big fan of the necessary evil of house cleaning. It is a mundane, monotonous, never-ending source of frustration (because you never REALLY complete it). However, my house will generally always be clean enough to be lived in, but dirty enough to look lived in, as well. You can live in a showplace, or you can enjoy your home, and it should rise up to meet you, engulf you like a warm blanket, and make you feel safe. When I sold home decorating accessories our motto was 'a home should be a haven, a place of refuge, and a place of beauty.' You don't have to spend a fortune to do it, but you can make it warm, inviting, and not somewhere people are afraid to just 'be.' So, when you come to G-Mama and Pop-Pop's you will see reasonably clean, but not obsessively so- you are to come and be able to just 'be' (of course- sippy cups will be a must for a while..lol). Then again- there may be visits where the house looks as if it is about to blow up on itself....lol...generally that will be when I am working on a project. :)
I really do enjoy various hobbies, though they can be quite costly. I use to do cross stitch until time issues and eyesight ended that. I have done scrapbooking, and plan to make one for our ventures together. I have tried to get your mom more involved in that, but she had to put it on hold for school, etc. I make shadowboxes for weddings, graduations, baby gifts, etc. I learned this year to make diaper cakes, as I mentioned in an earlier blog, and yesterday I accomplished a towel cake. I also made some favor bags for a friend. By the day's end I realized that I really enjoy having a project to focus on. There is a saying that an idle mind is the devil's workshop- but I have to say an idle mind makes one feel 'less than' when there are so many hours in the day to accomplish things other than housework, and many times- horribly bored.
I have always had an interest, but not the money, to do decorating, and, until about two years ago- painting was always fun for me. Now it is definitely more telling on my body to do intense labor of that nature. I would truly love to get more involved in photography, but that can be quite expensive a hobby as well. There is something about capturing a picture and realizing it was 'the one.' I will just keep doing it for fun right now, and hope to capture many moments in your life.
So..guess this old body should try to become more in shape- especially if I intend to keep up with you, little missy. I imagine you will tire old G-Mama out in haste. LOL. But- it will be worth it. :)
Counting the weeks- only about five and a half to go, now...unless of course you want to get here early. Not sure how your mommy will feel about that..but we are ready. :)
I used to read a great deal, but failing eyesight has begun to rear its ugly head and I tend to not do as much, as your great grandmother and grandfather do, any more these days. Also the computer is very hard on your eyes, by the way. :) I do enjoy the computer and often it is a huge time killer for me when I can't find other things I need/want to do.
Though I dislike clutter, I am not a big fan of the necessary evil of house cleaning. It is a mundane, monotonous, never-ending source of frustration (because you never REALLY complete it). However, my house will generally always be clean enough to be lived in, but dirty enough to look lived in, as well. You can live in a showplace, or you can enjoy your home, and it should rise up to meet you, engulf you like a warm blanket, and make you feel safe. When I sold home decorating accessories our motto was 'a home should be a haven, a place of refuge, and a place of beauty.' You don't have to spend a fortune to do it, but you can make it warm, inviting, and not somewhere people are afraid to just 'be.' So, when you come to G-Mama and Pop-Pop's you will see reasonably clean, but not obsessively so- you are to come and be able to just 'be' (of course- sippy cups will be a must for a while..lol). Then again- there may be visits where the house looks as if it is about to blow up on itself....lol...generally that will be when I am working on a project. :)
I really do enjoy various hobbies, though they can be quite costly. I use to do cross stitch until time issues and eyesight ended that. I have done scrapbooking, and plan to make one for our ventures together. I have tried to get your mom more involved in that, but she had to put it on hold for school, etc. I make shadowboxes for weddings, graduations, baby gifts, etc. I learned this year to make diaper cakes, as I mentioned in an earlier blog, and yesterday I accomplished a towel cake. I also made some favor bags for a friend. By the day's end I realized that I really enjoy having a project to focus on. There is a saying that an idle mind is the devil's workshop- but I have to say an idle mind makes one feel 'less than' when there are so many hours in the day to accomplish things other than housework, and many times- horribly bored.
I have always had an interest, but not the money, to do decorating, and, until about two years ago- painting was always fun for me. Now it is definitely more telling on my body to do intense labor of that nature. I would truly love to get more involved in photography, but that can be quite expensive a hobby as well. There is something about capturing a picture and realizing it was 'the one.' I will just keep doing it for fun right now, and hope to capture many moments in your life.
So..guess this old body should try to become more in shape- especially if I intend to keep up with you, little missy. I imagine you will tire old G-Mama out in haste. LOL. But- it will be worth it. :)
Counting the weeks- only about five and a half to go, now...unless of course you want to get here early. Not sure how your mommy will feel about that..but we are ready. :)
Friday, July 15, 2011
Technology and being 50= be teachable
Well, as I have basically self-taught most of my computer skills, or discovered things by accident, it has been quite interesting to do this blog. I know I must seek employment in short measure doing something else, and worry that at 50 I may not have enough skills. However, what I lack in current knowledge, I can be taught. I would hope future employers would rather hire someone 'teachable than someone who doesn't think they have any more to learn in life.
Today it took me quite some time, but I did finally accomplish my goal to get a song list transferred to my blog page. Whoohooooo!!!! That is quite a feat for me. :) Took a while a few weeks back to set up my page with a pretty background. I got the pictures pretty quickly, but trying to manipulate page size, colors, etc., was a project for my persnickety self. HAHAHA. But- I did it!! I did not give up!
Being teachable in life is so important. We are never too old to learn, for the most part, and basically it just takes someone taking the time to explain something a time - or perhaps a few times- to learn it. That "old dog can't learn new tricks" saying is no more. Especially in this age of technology. One will definitely be left behind if they don't master certain skills- DVR, remotes, ATM machines, basic computer skills. Now you can barely even find a place that takes a paper employment application. Most require computer skills just to fill out the application, whether the job requires it or not.
So little Madison- though your mom and uncle are both relatively computer savvy, they lacked the tolerance (?) to teach me what they know. So..for the past years I have been 'teachable.' Their dad hates an ATM, a computer (though he has to hunt and peck for basic functions at his main job- he still hates it) , struggles with the remote at times, and, don't even think about him setting the DVR.
So, my little Madison, I hope you will be teachable, and I hope you remain teachable. Life is filled with teachable moments and some of the best ones come by surprise. Yes, figuring out how to put the music on the blog may sound so simple to someone else, but for me, it was an achievement and required my patience and perseverance. I choose to remain teachable.
God can use many moments in life to teach you a lot of things - about your world, about others, and about yourself.
Today marks the 5 weeks left mark before your arrival. Unless, of course, you decide to make your entrance earlier. We are all finding it hard to believe it has gone by this quickly, though I am certain there are/were days your mom felt like the days drug by. :) You will enter this world full of fresh perspective, awe, and wonder. Be careful what you choose to follow. Everything is not good out there- so be open but be careful. Teachable also means being able to discern what is good and what is right.
I walk by the picture of your ultrasound on my refrigerator - it is fairly early into your existence (March 31), but I look at it and see the promise of what you will look like upon your arrival. Your little nose, eyes, the shape of your head, your long fingers. Wow...it is marvelous what God can bring to fruition. To imagine what you will look like after five more months is exciting.
I have learned a lot of new things while your mommy has been pregnant. Things we did not know when we had our children years ago. Things that 'teachable' people have discovered, and learned in the past years. Ultrasound technology alone has come a long way. There are many new schools of thought (though not all are reasonable, and some, though well-intentioned-are not practical) about many aspects of having a child.
I have no doubt that some of our 'old school' ways will no doubt be a source of annoyance in due time, but parenting is often a huge learning curve and though many things will work for some, they may not work for others. Parenting is definitely full of teachable moments. Sometimes you experience the school of 'hard knocks' and other times you pass with flying colors. But...you have to remain teachable, or it will drive you mad. :)
So, as I spell check, edit, save, and post this blog, I think about all those teachable moments. I've come a long way. Oh..and I hope you enjoy the songs. :)
Love,
GMama
Today it took me quite some time, but I did finally accomplish my goal to get a song list transferred to my blog page. Whoohooooo!!!! That is quite a feat for me. :) Took a while a few weeks back to set up my page with a pretty background. I got the pictures pretty quickly, but trying to manipulate page size, colors, etc., was a project for my persnickety self. HAHAHA. But- I did it!! I did not give up!
Being teachable in life is so important. We are never too old to learn, for the most part, and basically it just takes someone taking the time to explain something a time - or perhaps a few times- to learn it. That "old dog can't learn new tricks" saying is no more. Especially in this age of technology. One will definitely be left behind if they don't master certain skills- DVR, remotes, ATM machines, basic computer skills. Now you can barely even find a place that takes a paper employment application. Most require computer skills just to fill out the application, whether the job requires it or not.
So little Madison- though your mom and uncle are both relatively computer savvy, they lacked the tolerance (?) to teach me what they know. So..for the past years I have been 'teachable.' Their dad hates an ATM, a computer (though he has to hunt and peck for basic functions at his main job- he still hates it) , struggles with the remote at times, and, don't even think about him setting the DVR.
So, my little Madison, I hope you will be teachable, and I hope you remain teachable. Life is filled with teachable moments and some of the best ones come by surprise. Yes, figuring out how to put the music on the blog may sound so simple to someone else, but for me, it was an achievement and required my patience and perseverance. I choose to remain teachable.
God can use many moments in life to teach you a lot of things - about your world, about others, and about yourself.
Today marks the 5 weeks left mark before your arrival. Unless, of course, you decide to make your entrance earlier. We are all finding it hard to believe it has gone by this quickly, though I am certain there are/were days your mom felt like the days drug by. :) You will enter this world full of fresh perspective, awe, and wonder. Be careful what you choose to follow. Everything is not good out there- so be open but be careful. Teachable also means being able to discern what is good and what is right.
I walk by the picture of your ultrasound on my refrigerator - it is fairly early into your existence (March 31), but I look at it and see the promise of what you will look like upon your arrival. Your little nose, eyes, the shape of your head, your long fingers. Wow...it is marvelous what God can bring to fruition. To imagine what you will look like after five more months is exciting.
I have learned a lot of new things while your mommy has been pregnant. Things we did not know when we had our children years ago. Things that 'teachable' people have discovered, and learned in the past years. Ultrasound technology alone has come a long way. There are many new schools of thought (though not all are reasonable, and some, though well-intentioned-are not practical) about many aspects of having a child.
I have no doubt that some of our 'old school' ways will no doubt be a source of annoyance in due time, but parenting is often a huge learning curve and though many things will work for some, they may not work for others. Parenting is definitely full of teachable moments. Sometimes you experience the school of 'hard knocks' and other times you pass with flying colors. But...you have to remain teachable, or it will drive you mad. :)
So, as I spell check, edit, save, and post this blog, I think about all those teachable moments. I've come a long way. Oh..and I hope you enjoy the songs. :)
Love,
GMama
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Double blessing
Yes, I have another "granddaughter" as I have mentioned in a previous post. She is a pistol. She will be three in August. I swear if you saw her with our daughter you would probably think they were biological mother/daughter. It's uncanny.
Though I was chastised once for 'not considering her my granddaughter,' that is simply not the entire truth. We have embraced her into our lives, and hearts, already. However, until a wedding takes place, we must still guard our hearts somewhat. Madison will always be our granddaughter, but this little love could be taken from us should a wedding not take place. After all- how many ex- boyfriends will bring by their child to see an ex-girlfriend's parents because the child is an, 'unofficial grandparents'? Probably not many, if any. Until they marry he doesn't refer to us as in-laws, right? It's all legalities, but, hopefully all that will be a non-issue soon.
But, until something different changes things, and we hope not, she is our other granddaughter. :) Our trip to the beach with her was awesome, well sans the meltdown one night at the restaurant, but she was tired, hungry, and two. 'Nuff said.
I pick up items for her just like I do for Madison. She is too cute when she gets them. :) She especially liked the flowered nightgown I found (yes, on sale) for her a few weeks back. Rachel says she wears it like it is a dress whenever she comes over. LOL.
I look forward to being able to spend more time with her, and have not had a chance to have much one-on-one time with her yet, but hopefully, in time, that will come as well. Until then, we just enjoy the time we have with her.
London and Madison. Doubly blessed.
Though I was chastised once for 'not considering her my granddaughter,' that is simply not the entire truth. We have embraced her into our lives, and hearts, already. However, until a wedding takes place, we must still guard our hearts somewhat. Madison will always be our granddaughter, but this little love could be taken from us should a wedding not take place. After all- how many ex- boyfriends will bring by their child to see an ex-girlfriend's parents because the child is an, 'unofficial grandparents'? Probably not many, if any. Until they marry he doesn't refer to us as in-laws, right? It's all legalities, but, hopefully all that will be a non-issue soon.
But, until something different changes things, and we hope not, she is our other granddaughter. :) Our trip to the beach with her was awesome, well sans the meltdown one night at the restaurant, but she was tired, hungry, and two. 'Nuff said.
I pick up items for her just like I do for Madison. She is too cute when she gets them. :) She especially liked the flowered nightgown I found (yes, on sale) for her a few weeks back. Rachel says she wears it like it is a dress whenever she comes over. LOL.
I look forward to being able to spend more time with her, and have not had a chance to have much one-on-one time with her yet, but hopefully, in time, that will come as well. Until then, we just enjoy the time we have with her.
London and Madison. Doubly blessed.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Halfway point
My life as a mother began at age twenty-five. So for half of my life I have been a mom. Whoever said that Terrible Twos was the hardest- lied. LOL. Yes, it is filled with challenges, but, trust me, the other years have plenty more to go around. I think, honestly, that some of my most difficult years as a mother occurred after mine turned eighteen.
I used to think that my first twenty-five years were so awful..hahaha. Oh, so naive. You realize that getting up and going to school, or playing outside, doing chores, maybe working a bit, etc., was much, much easier than being an adult. LOL..and yet...back then, we thought we were so grown (well in our teen years that is). The joke was on us.
I have had so many heartaches as a wife, mother, friend, but motherhood has been some of the most painful of times. You hate to see your children sick, hurt, fail, heartbroken, etc. You raise them to know right from wrong, spend endless hours worrying and praying for, and over, them. Then at some point you realize that you have absolutely no control over anything anymore and you just sit back helplessly when they make choices that totally go against what you ever taught them, or dreamed. Trust me, it is not easy at all. Yes, throwing in the towel sounds like an easy choice- but it isn't. You continue to hope.
I think of a relative who had to watch her son struggle with life - so many unspoken heartaches I am certain she had to endure. His death, senseless as it was, no doubt continues to plague her. I am sure she has spent many a sleepless night wondering what she was doing wrong, what she did wrong, and how she would live another day without him in her life. We may not have much in common, but as a mom, I can feel her pain.
I think of Madison, and future grandchildren, and wonder what her mother and father, and her uncle's children (should he ever reach that milestone of life) will have to endure. I pray they will at least spare my children of some of the same hurts, but I also pray that they give them some of the joy we experienced as well. It is definitely a mixed bag.
The past 7 years have really tested me, and there have been times I have failed miserably in some ways. However, in others I have stood tall, dealt with the offenses at hand, and moved on. At this point I am just praying we are on the downside of life- altering events, but I guess it remains to be seen. The Lord, so far, has at least spared us having both children having an event at the same time, so far. Kids have no idea, really, how many hours you spent praying for them, crying over them, or worrying about them. They seem to resent, at a certain point, that you even do. But...I say most parents will admit, if they love their children, to never quitting any of the previously mentioned acts of love.
I can only imagine what my children will go through, and pray I will have some wisdom to impart, and that they will be receptive to it when it is needed. It is a marvel how much smarter your parents seem the older you get. You begin to realize the sacrifices they made, or continue to make, for you. You realize that most 'good parents' really do only want the best for you. You do hear some of their advice coming back to haunt you, or aiding you in a particular situation. Why must we spend so much time being stubborn and not listening, sparing ourselves?
Sometimes I think about our Father God and how frustrated He must be with his children. We are so unruly, unheeding, obstinate, yet He continues to forgive us. Yes, He allows us to stumble, and some even fall, but that He continues to tolerate us is a marvel to me. I used to wonder what kept Him from just wiping us all out and starting over. Then...I became a parent...and I understand..a bit. He continues to have hope in us. Amazing. Simply amazing.
So, here I go into my 50s and there are days I feel like I have no idea what I am doing. They say grandchildren are fabulous and there is a saying of "if I had known how much fun they would be, I would have had them first." Well, guess I will see. I suppose the lack of real responsibility for them must be one key factor in the fun factor of having them. I have no idea.
I hope that this year I will focus on taking care of me (yes..like most mothers I put myself on the back burner), getting in better shape, and enjoying my role as a grandmother. Should be interesting. Now, if I could just turn off my Mama-dar, that would be great. It is like an alarm going off and you can't find the off button. So...I will continue to pray, and though His word tells us not to...worry. Can't seem to let that one go, yet. :)
I used to think that my first twenty-five years were so awful..hahaha. Oh, so naive. You realize that getting up and going to school, or playing outside, doing chores, maybe working a bit, etc., was much, much easier than being an adult. LOL..and yet...back then, we thought we were so grown (well in our teen years that is). The joke was on us.
I have had so many heartaches as a wife, mother, friend, but motherhood has been some of the most painful of times. You hate to see your children sick, hurt, fail, heartbroken, etc. You raise them to know right from wrong, spend endless hours worrying and praying for, and over, them. Then at some point you realize that you have absolutely no control over anything anymore and you just sit back helplessly when they make choices that totally go against what you ever taught them, or dreamed. Trust me, it is not easy at all. Yes, throwing in the towel sounds like an easy choice- but it isn't. You continue to hope.
I think of a relative who had to watch her son struggle with life - so many unspoken heartaches I am certain she had to endure. His death, senseless as it was, no doubt continues to plague her. I am sure she has spent many a sleepless night wondering what she was doing wrong, what she did wrong, and how she would live another day without him in her life. We may not have much in common, but as a mom, I can feel her pain.
I think of Madison, and future grandchildren, and wonder what her mother and father, and her uncle's children (should he ever reach that milestone of life) will have to endure. I pray they will at least spare my children of some of the same hurts, but I also pray that they give them some of the joy we experienced as well. It is definitely a mixed bag.
The past 7 years have really tested me, and there have been times I have failed miserably in some ways. However, in others I have stood tall, dealt with the offenses at hand, and moved on. At this point I am just praying we are on the downside of life- altering events, but I guess it remains to be seen. The Lord, so far, has at least spared us having both children having an event at the same time, so far. Kids have no idea, really, how many hours you spent praying for them, crying over them, or worrying about them. They seem to resent, at a certain point, that you even do. But...I say most parents will admit, if they love their children, to never quitting any of the previously mentioned acts of love.
I can only imagine what my children will go through, and pray I will have some wisdom to impart, and that they will be receptive to it when it is needed. It is a marvel how much smarter your parents seem the older you get. You begin to realize the sacrifices they made, or continue to make, for you. You realize that most 'good parents' really do only want the best for you. You do hear some of their advice coming back to haunt you, or aiding you in a particular situation. Why must we spend so much time being stubborn and not listening, sparing ourselves?
Sometimes I think about our Father God and how frustrated He must be with his children. We are so unruly, unheeding, obstinate, yet He continues to forgive us. Yes, He allows us to stumble, and some even fall, but that He continues to tolerate us is a marvel to me. I used to wonder what kept Him from just wiping us all out and starting over. Then...I became a parent...and I understand..a bit. He continues to have hope in us. Amazing. Simply amazing.
So, here I go into my 50s and there are days I feel like I have no idea what I am doing. They say grandchildren are fabulous and there is a saying of "if I had known how much fun they would be, I would have had them first." Well, guess I will see. I suppose the lack of real responsibility for them must be one key factor in the fun factor of having them. I have no idea.
I hope that this year I will focus on taking care of me (yes..like most mothers I put myself on the back burner), getting in better shape, and enjoying my role as a grandmother. Should be interesting. Now, if I could just turn off my Mama-dar, that would be great. It is like an alarm going off and you can't find the off button. So...I will continue to pray, and though His word tells us not to...worry. Can't seem to let that one go, yet. :)
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